Unknown Desire

A short story from my portfolio, and for once its not something I've posted before! Enjoy.

Unknown Desire

My latest student was filthy rich, one of those spoilt girls who have a tutor but no desire to learn. So instead we passed time in idle chatter, she liked to pry into my private life as much as she could. Today she had learnt I had been in a relationship, quite happily I might add, for five years; a length of time she found quite astonishing so she asked how did I managed to find such love?

I sat at my usual spot outside the café supping at the paper cup as I watched her, Maria, going about her work. Something about her infatuated me, she was all I wanted for at least a year. We had become slowly closer as I spent my days lingering there, meandering through a pile of newspapers in search of a client dreading the dusk and the inevitable return to that job. It was a busy day so Maria could only spare a few moments to cast me a smile or a few words, it just made me treasure each one all the more. All too soon I was in my dressing room at work, some how Robbie had convinced me to take this job, a drag star singing in a gay bar that was so tacky you felt as if you'd get stuck to anything you touched. Thankfully I could sing, so I did earn a fair living there, but staring out into the half hidden audience, the older gentlemen puffing cigarettes at the back and the young fresh sluts in blaring neon clawing at the stage wanting me. It never bothered me that they wanted me, if anyone got too amorous Robbie dutifully played the loving boyfriend; after all he got me into this world, his world, he had to keep me safe.

After work we, Robbie and me that is, slunk through the silent streets via an off license before erupting into Robbie's ultra modern matte white flat. We sat up until the early hours, as always, downing vodka and gin attempting to purge our minds. Robbie rummaged in his coat pockets and produced a box of cigarettes, he pointed the box at me lazily as he fumbled for a lighter; I shook my head and crashed onto the sofa, my drink sloshed violently in the glass.

“Things betta turn round soon, can't take much more of this crap.” I grunted absently letting my head fall backwards to stare into the mottled yellowing patterns of the ceiling

“Oh don't be such a grouch it aint all that bad” Robbie dangerously teetered to the sofa, laying his head in my lap and puffing thick curls of smoke upwards

“You would say that, you just wanna fuck one of the cute boys who come in for the experience.” I squeezed my hand softly against his stomach as I spoke

“I aint the one wearing a dress all night am I darlin'?” He slipped his fingers between mine grinning widely as I glanced down to see his straight brown hair splayed across my lap and his eyes gazing fixedly into mine.

“Your right I need to find some clients, soon.” I turned away from him and slide off the sofa letting him drop limply down again “Ima go bed, got work to do and all that.” Robbie watched me vanish into my room, curls of forgotten smoke slowly drifting from his lips, he was like this when we got drunk; if I didn't know better I'd think he had a crush on me, but that's just Robbie if your a boy he'll try his luck when he gets drunk, plus he does spend all night pretending to be my boyfriend doesn't he? I did like it though, was nice to know decent people were attracted to me not just those vile whores at the bar. It gave me hope with Maria.

Robbie was poised stiffly at the breakfast bar, half naked as always, arched over a bowl of cereal. His eyes flickered to meet mine as I walked in, his cheeks flushed as he silently went back to eating. I headed to the door and smirked over my shoulder as I exited

“I can see you blushing y'know.”

There was a envelope waiting for me that morning, addressed in a heavily swirled, pretentious sort of writing. I scanned carefully at my table, the sky was clear today, I could see all the details of the Gothic buildings that hugged the far side of the square; my eyes lingered there as it was in one of these houses my new student lived. Maria beamed widely at me, praising me for holding out and getting a student again.

“It seems everything is turning around these days.” She carefully re-filled the cup on my table as a pretence to stay longer.

“Everything? It's just one student, I use' to have least eight at a time.”

“Well...” A bitter faced business woman, called for a waitress at this point and Maria had to dart away. The rest of that day slid by quite normally, a few stolen words with Maria, a torturous night on stage and back to the flat. I was in a foul mood that night, I felt I had seen or heard something crucial and missed it.

“What's up grumps?” Robbie smirked at me noticing my face as he stubbed out his cigarette.

“Nothin' dun matter.” He wrapped an arm around my lower back pulling me close

“Come on, I can tell. I ain't letting ya go til ya do.” I could feel his breath against my skin, my mind seemed to act without a second thought as I gently kissed his lips. He stood frozen for a moment, his arm slacking around me. Then all at once my mind kicked in, I slipped from his arm and shut myself into my room. What the fuck? Did I really do that? I didn't know what to think, other than part of me had wanted it, needed it, even liked it.

I woke after only a couple of uneasy hours of sleep, I rummaged under the bed to find my suit bag, in which was my freshly laundered jet black suit; today I was off to meet this student, it felt great to have my suit back on. I crept through the flat, trying to avoid Robbie but he was there on the sofa waiting, cigarette smoke curling from his lips.

“Morning.” He looked meekly at me, he seemed to of not slept

“I'm just off to see a student, get to bed. You look awful.”

“So you are going to just ignore it then? I saw your face, it meant something to you.”

“Not now.” I left for the café as usual, pushing down the confusion in me, I'd arranged to meet this new girl there, Nancy Landgraab. Today was when Maria started late, so I sat opposite this vacant girl letting her mutterings act as a backdrop to my day dreams. It was an odd sensation, as if seeing something I'd always known but never admitted; I just wasn't sure what it was yet. Maria's face always drifted in and out and then it occurred to me; that Sam guy, she never said she left him did she? The boss told her to not reveal personal information at work. I was never going to get her was I? It was then I remembered, yesterday, as she filled my cup I saw an engagement ring glinting on her finger. My heart sank, but something else began to drift over me; why did Maria even talk to me? Other men made her feel closed, secretive but I put her at ease the same way her gay friends did; did I share something with them? But then, Robbie, the way he blushed when he caught himself forgetting I wasn't his boyfriend I always liked it. Yet in all my memories of him I recall the churn in my stomach when he was half naked at breakfast, the sideways glances when he slunk away with another boy from the club and more than all; his lips. I always seemed to pay deep attention to them, I could recount every detail of how they moved as he had each cigarette and how the smoke curled about them.

I excused myself from the café, Robbie was still sat on the sofa when I got back. He looked at me with his soft blue eyes as I crossed the room. Gently I lifted his chin and kissed him again, he rose to his feet beginning to kiss back.

“Can't get enough of me eh?” He smirked broadly, pulling back.

“I guess not.”

“Took ya long enough.”

Five years have come and gone since then and I still savour Robbie's kiss, he was after all always there as my secret desire; even before I knew it.